Adoption is a wonderful gift, I absolutely believe that, but I also know that it leaves us with questions. They are questions that we look for answers to pretty much our whole lives. For some there are holes in our stories and a lot of times it may feel like we are not completely whole because of our lack of answers. We wonder who we are, why we are here, and what we had done to be abandoned by the people who should have loved us the most.
We may not have any pictures of the first months or years of our lives which reminds us all over again of what we have lost. We look in the mirror and wonder who we look like, whose personality quirks we have, or if our biological parents even remember us.
As we grow older we ask harder and deeper questions which many people are unable to answer. Though our families love us, they have to stand there helplessly and watch as we struggle with so many unknowns.
I have been struggling my whole life dealing with all the questions that would hit me like a wave. I would lash out at my parents because I thought they stood in the way of my getting answers. Looking back now, I see that my parents truly just loved me and didn’t know how to help bring closure into my heart.
I know how hard and painful carrying all those questions around in your heart is, I’ve done it for many years. As the years pass, I am realizing more and more that I may never know the answers to some of my deepest questions. Sometimes I think that is the hardest to accept, that full closure is impossible.
What has kept me going is my faith that God knows what He doing, even when I think He doesn’t. I totally believe that if God wants me to know more about my past, He will open those doors and make it possible. Maybe God out of love for me is protecting me from knowledge that I am not ready to handle right now, or ever. God always has our very best in mind. I do not see my tomorrows, God does. He wants us to trust Him with every area of our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Looking back I see that it was out of my desperation, brokenness and need to make the pain go away that drove me to God. If at my adoption, God waved a magic wand and transformed me into a new person with no painful past, I would never have turned to Him for help. It is only when we come to God with all of our broken pieces, all the anger, questions, fears, insecurities, excuses, doubts, and pain that He can start to rebuild His Masterpiece.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3: 5, 6)
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29: 11)