Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Where was God?

The title to this blog is a serious, haunting, question that we all ask when we look back at the life we had to walk through. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and if, we say to ourselves, there is a loving God why...WHY.. did He allow it to happen.
This question is what I have wrestled with my whole life, honestly. I look back on my days in Russia and I have the temptation out of my pain to raise a fist to heaven and scream, "WHY,WHY ME GOD, WHERE WERE YOU?..IT WASN'T FAIR,IT HURT,IT STILL HURTS!"

I remember telling my dad when I was about eleven or twelve, that I had decided there was no God. It seemed to me that God wasn't giving me an explanation for the years of pain or my loss and so I was going to walk away from Him
I wanted someone, something, to soothe the pain and anger I felt but couldn't express.

I sat in my room days later, staring through my tears at the Bible that sat open on my desk. I flipped through it angrily and I asked God to prove to me that He was worth believing in. There was no thunder or lighting, no earthquake or fire. I sat there breathlessly waiting and all I heard was silence. I looked down at the page my Bible was opened to and my eyes fell on words I had never seen or read.

" Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you, See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands and you are ever before me." (Isaiah 49:15,16)

I caught a glimpse of His Love that day and I realized that God wanted me to give Him my pain, because it was way too big for me to carry.

If I hold on to the pain, I need to expect that over time I will grow angry and bitter. If I let go of the pain, I need to expect alot of tears, alot of trust, and alot of patience.

Believe me, the only part I am really good at is the crying part. But even our tears are treasured by God.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." ( Psalms56:8)

Will I ever fully understand why I had to walk through years of abuse and neglect in my early childhood? I dont know, I really have no amazing answer to you who are searching for one. I can only say this, that when I give God my pain and let Him have control of my life, something good always comes out of the mess.

God wants you to ask Him the hard questions, He wants you to turn to Him and ask for His help, because He is more then delighted to restore what has been fractured.

God will help you only to the point you are willing to be helped. If its an inch, He will help you with that inch and wait with you until you are ready to give Him the next inch. He will not push because you are a beloved child that He wants to bring back to wholeness. Time is not an issue God worries about.

Every single time I have gone back to asking God where He was when I was being abused and hurting. He tells me, yet again, that He was right there by my side.
He gave my birth mother, and all the other people in my past life free will, just like He gave you and me the right to choose our own choices. Did those people take advantage of that gift and hurt us? Yes. But God can not go against who He is and take away the gift He gave to people out of Love.
What God will do is wade into our muck and pain with us and offer His help. We dont have to be defined by our past and the marks people have left on our lives.
The amazing thing is we are free to choose!

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