I am writing about pain this week because it is something I am working through in my own life and wanted to share it with you. Some weeks ago marked my adoption from Russia, 13 years ago. I have had many of these weeks come and go over the years, but this year it is different. This year, it is bittersweet because I can’t stop thinking about my biological family somewhere across the ocean. In the past it was easier because I had forgotten their names and faces, but this year, I found their names again. There are days when I truly want to sit down and bawl my eyes out, but I just push the tears back down and keep living. I think about them, I pray for them, but the pain of losing them never fully fades away.
What does this have to do with your life?
Well, I think it is a common theme that all adopted children have, pain and loss. What really matters though is what we do with the pain. Do we push it down, do we ignore it, do we use laughter as a cover, do we become bitter, do we hurt others, so they can understand what’s going on inside of you, or have we learned to hand it over, continually, daily, to God?
For many years, I used a great big smile to cover up the overwhelming pain I felt over the loss of my birth family. I seemed like the happiest adopted little girl, but my facade began to crack as I began to be more independent. I was blessed with a mentor who wouldn't play along with my games, and a God who was committed to my healing. I have learned that God respects us as human beings and what we have walked through. He wants to restore what people have broken or hurt inside and He knows it is a lifelong process that can’t be rushed.
“You are a pearl of great price”… A pearl is a beautiful thing, but it is only is created by extreme pain. They have always fascinated me, pearls. A grain of sand falls into a living mollusk shell, it is trapped in the softest spot and out of pain and shock, and the mollusk goes to work to get rid of the cause for its pain. Over time, it creates something beautiful from all the pain, a pearl, which is then sold for a high price because of its high value.
I believe that is what God is saying to you and me when He says , “You are a pearl of great price”…That if you only let me help you, if you only let me love you. If you only looked around, you would see that I am right there beside you. ..through all this pain, despite of all this pain, I can make something beautiful!
Is it going to be easy or pleasant or instant? Sadly no, but it is a journey to the heart of God. What you have endured matters in God eyes, and He will use it for something good, if we let Him have the painful experiences of our lives. Trusting God sometimes with the deepest, darkest, most painful areas of our lives is really scary and we would rather not then take that chance. Right? But we have a God who is faithful, gentle, loving, understanding, and patient. Who sees us for what we can be, with our entire potential, not who we once were. He wants to hear your voice; nothing you are ever going to say to God is going to shock Him. He has been loving and walking with deeply hurt people for thousands of years.
“I TOOK YOU FROM THE ENDS OF THE EARTH, FROM ITS FARTHEST CORNERS I CALLED YOU, I SAID YOU ARE MY SERVANT; I HAVE CHOSEN YOU AND I HAVE NOT REJECTED YOU, SO DO NOT FEAR FOR I AM WITH YOU, DO NOT BE DISMAYED FOR I AM YOUR GOD I WILL STRENGTHEN YOU AND HELP YOU AND I WILL UPHOLD YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT ARM. SEE THE FORMER THINGS I HAVE TAKEN AND THE NEW THINGS I DECLARE, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, SINCE YOU ARE HONORED AND PRECIOUS IN MY SIGHT I WILL GIVE MEN IN EXCHANGE FOR YOU AND PEOPLE IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR LIFE. I HAVE LOVED YOU WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE AND I HAVE DRAWN YOU WITH LOVING KINDNESS. I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD WHO TEACHES YOU WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND DIRECTS YOU IN THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO”….
Today, I encourage you to go to God with your past, with your pain, and let Him begin a work in you that will create a pearl of great price.
(Isaiah 41:9-10, 42:9, 43:4, 48:17, and Jeremiah 3:3)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Where was God?
The title to this blog is a serious, haunting, question that we all ask when we look back at the life we had to walk through. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and if, we say to ourselves, there is a loving God why...WHY.. did He allow it to happen.
This question is what I have wrestled with my whole life, honestly. I look back on my days in Russia and I have the temptation out of my pain to raise a fist to heaven and scream, "WHY,WHY ME GOD, WHERE WERE YOU?..IT WASN'T FAIR,IT HURT,IT STILL HURTS!"
I remember telling my dad when I was about eleven or twelve, that I had decided there was no God. It seemed to me that God wasn't giving me an explanation for the years of pain or my loss and so I was going to walk away from Him
I wanted someone, something, to soothe the pain and anger I felt but couldn't express.
I sat in my room days later, staring through my tears at the Bible that sat open on my desk. I flipped through it angrily and I asked God to prove to me that He was worth believing in. There was no thunder or lighting, no earthquake or fire. I sat there breathlessly waiting and all I heard was silence. I looked down at the page my Bible was opened to and my eyes fell on words I had never seen or read.
" Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you, See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands and you are ever before me." (Isaiah 49:15,16)
I caught a glimpse of His Love that day and I realized that God wanted me to give Him my pain, because it was way too big for me to carry.
If I hold on to the pain, I need to expect that over time I will grow angry and bitter. If I let go of the pain, I need to expect alot of tears, alot of trust, and alot of patience.
Believe me, the only part I am really good at is the crying part. But even our tears are treasured by God.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." ( Psalms56:8)
Will I ever fully understand why I had to walk through years of abuse and neglect in my early childhood? I dont know, I really have no amazing answer to you who are searching for one. I can only say this, that when I give God my pain and let Him have control of my life, something good always comes out of the mess.
God wants you to ask Him the hard questions, He wants you to turn to Him and ask for His help, because He is more then delighted to restore what has been fractured.
God will help you only to the point you are willing to be helped. If its an inch, He will help you with that inch and wait with you until you are ready to give Him the next inch. He will not push because you are a beloved child that He wants to bring back to wholeness. Time is not an issue God worries about.
Every single time I have gone back to asking God where He was when I was being abused and hurting. He tells me, yet again, that He was right there by my side.
He gave my birth mother, and all the other people in my past life free will, just like He gave you and me the right to choose our own choices. Did those people take advantage of that gift and hurt us? Yes. But God can not go against who He is and take away the gift He gave to people out of Love.
What God will do is wade into our muck and pain with us and offer His help. We dont have to be defined by our past and the marks people have left on our lives.
The amazing thing is we are free to choose!
This question is what I have wrestled with my whole life, honestly. I look back on my days in Russia and I have the temptation out of my pain to raise a fist to heaven and scream, "WHY,WHY ME GOD, WHERE WERE YOU?..IT WASN'T FAIR,IT HURT,IT STILL HURTS!"
I remember telling my dad when I was about eleven or twelve, that I had decided there was no God. It seemed to me that God wasn't giving me an explanation for the years of pain or my loss and so I was going to walk away from Him
I wanted someone, something, to soothe the pain and anger I felt but couldn't express.
I sat in my room days later, staring through my tears at the Bible that sat open on my desk. I flipped through it angrily and I asked God to prove to me that He was worth believing in. There was no thunder or lighting, no earthquake or fire. I sat there breathlessly waiting and all I heard was silence. I looked down at the page my Bible was opened to and my eyes fell on words I had never seen or read.
" Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you, See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands and you are ever before me." (Isaiah 49:15,16)
I caught a glimpse of His Love that day and I realized that God wanted me to give Him my pain, because it was way too big for me to carry.
If I hold on to the pain, I need to expect that over time I will grow angry and bitter. If I let go of the pain, I need to expect alot of tears, alot of trust, and alot of patience.
Believe me, the only part I am really good at is the crying part. But even our tears are treasured by God.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." ( Psalms56:8)
Will I ever fully understand why I had to walk through years of abuse and neglect in my early childhood? I dont know, I really have no amazing answer to you who are searching for one. I can only say this, that when I give God my pain and let Him have control of my life, something good always comes out of the mess.
God wants you to ask Him the hard questions, He wants you to turn to Him and ask for His help, because He is more then delighted to restore what has been fractured.
God will help you only to the point you are willing to be helped. If its an inch, He will help you with that inch and wait with you until you are ready to give Him the next inch. He will not push because you are a beloved child that He wants to bring back to wholeness. Time is not an issue God worries about.
Every single time I have gone back to asking God where He was when I was being abused and hurting. He tells me, yet again, that He was right there by my side.
He gave my birth mother, and all the other people in my past life free will, just like He gave you and me the right to choose our own choices. Did those people take advantage of that gift and hurt us? Yes. But God can not go against who He is and take away the gift He gave to people out of Love.
What God will do is wade into our muck and pain with us and offer His help. We dont have to be defined by our past and the marks people have left on our lives.
The amazing thing is we are free to choose!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Identity - Who do You say that I am ?
How many times have you heard the word ‘identity’, or listened to a sermon on your identity,or listened to someone talk to you about your identity? How many times have you listened and then walked away, feeling more confused, guilty, angry and condemned?
Personally, I have spent many years wrestling with my own identity issues. As an adopted child growing up in a large family, I didn't know how to deal with the turmoil I felt inside,so I went on with my life trying to blend in with others.
I grew up knowing all the verses about God’s perfect will and love, all the ones on adoption, and all the ones about having a new identity in Christ. When my adoption story came up in the presence of guests, I knew how to push down the memories and put on a show. I learned how to smile when people told me how lucky I was to be adopted into this new family and new country. Yet at the end of the day I would curl up in bed and as the darkness invaded my room, I would cry. I felt so desperate for the peace and joy those verses promised, but I never felt. I put a band-aid on a gaping wound and smiled big, so everybody would see that I was happy.
Being honest with myself and God was way too painful and scary,so I avoided my reality as long as possible. I would cover my questions with all the nice verses I knew, but deep in my heart did not believe.
This past year, God brought me back to address this deep rooted issue I had left to fester over the years. I fought, I kicked, I cried,and I ignored Him for a while, until my solutions left me broken and deeply hurt. I ran down as many side trails I could find, but they all left me empty ,confused and desperate. I came back to God scared of what He was going to do to me, but He simply started again in the same place where I had quit.
I really really wanted to know who I was, because I no longer knew and I was scared of the person I saw myself becoming. My pride had vanished and in its place stood a girl who was out of excuses. I was willing to listen for the first time in my life and God told me who I was in His eyes.
“ All beautiful you are,my darling,there is NO flaw in you…”
(Song of songs 4:7)
“ Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!!! See I have engraved you in the palms of My Hands; you are ever before me…” ( Isaiah 49:15,16)
“God chose the foolish things of the world,to shame the wise,God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-and the things that are not to nullify the things that are…”
( 1Corinthians 1:27-28)
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not harm you,plans to give you hope and a future……”
(Jeremiah 29:11-14)
These are real words from God, but for many of us these are painful to read. They may bring up memories, stir up questions, anger, or re-awaken a longing inside, that once upon a time was there. For some, the reality of being fully known, loved and wanted is an oxymoron and the first thing we ask ourselves when we read these words is, ‘What does He want?’ There must be a catch somewhere in this pretty picture.
What makes God so amazing is that He is who He says He is and it will never change with the time or circumstance. He does not manipulate or play games with the children He loves.
God says simply to you today….”My Son, My daughter, I chose you before you knew your name…or your country…I chose you to stand before me, I chose you to pour out my love on…… I see no blemish, no ugly past, no baggage, no mistake….I am God and I have set my seal of Love on your life, I signed the adoption papers before you ever knew you were an orphan.”
God leaves us with a choice, to accept the adoption, choose the identity or to walk away.
When you and I run to Him,there in His arms, we will know who we are. In the light of His Love our identity is going to be clear, because we were made in His image, to bear His likeness.
“Though my mother and father forsake me, The Lord will receive me .” ( Psalm 27:10)
Personally, I have spent many years wrestling with my own identity issues. As an adopted child growing up in a large family, I didn't know how to deal with the turmoil I felt inside,so I went on with my life trying to blend in with others.
I grew up knowing all the verses about God’s perfect will and love, all the ones on adoption, and all the ones about having a new identity in Christ. When my adoption story came up in the presence of guests, I knew how to push down the memories and put on a show. I learned how to smile when people told me how lucky I was to be adopted into this new family and new country. Yet at the end of the day I would curl up in bed and as the darkness invaded my room, I would cry. I felt so desperate for the peace and joy those verses promised, but I never felt. I put a band-aid on a gaping wound and smiled big, so everybody would see that I was happy.
Being honest with myself and God was way too painful and scary,so I avoided my reality as long as possible. I would cover my questions with all the nice verses I knew, but deep in my heart did not believe.
This past year, God brought me back to address this deep rooted issue I had left to fester over the years. I fought, I kicked, I cried,and I ignored Him for a while, until my solutions left me broken and deeply hurt. I ran down as many side trails I could find, but they all left me empty ,confused and desperate. I came back to God scared of what He was going to do to me, but He simply started again in the same place where I had quit.
I really really wanted to know who I was, because I no longer knew and I was scared of the person I saw myself becoming. My pride had vanished and in its place stood a girl who was out of excuses. I was willing to listen for the first time in my life and God told me who I was in His eyes.
“ All beautiful you are,my darling,there is NO flaw in you…”
(Song of songs 4:7)
“ Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!!! See I have engraved you in the palms of My Hands; you are ever before me…” ( Isaiah 49:15,16)
“God chose the foolish things of the world,to shame the wise,God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-and the things that are not to nullify the things that are…”
( 1Corinthians 1:27-28)
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not harm you,plans to give you hope and a future……”
(Jeremiah 29:11-14)
These are real words from God, but for many of us these are painful to read. They may bring up memories, stir up questions, anger, or re-awaken a longing inside, that once upon a time was there. For some, the reality of being fully known, loved and wanted is an oxymoron and the first thing we ask ourselves when we read these words is, ‘What does He want?’ There must be a catch somewhere in this pretty picture.
What makes God so amazing is that He is who He says He is and it will never change with the time or circumstance. He does not manipulate or play games with the children He loves.
God says simply to you today….”My Son, My daughter, I chose you before you knew your name…or your country…I chose you to stand before me, I chose you to pour out my love on…… I see no blemish, no ugly past, no baggage, no mistake….I am God and I have set my seal of Love on your life, I signed the adoption papers before you ever knew you were an orphan.”
God leaves us with a choice, to accept the adoption, choose the identity or to walk away.
When you and I run to Him,there in His arms, we will know who we are. In the light of His Love our identity is going to be clear, because we were made in His image, to bear His likeness.
“Though my mother and father forsake me, The Lord will receive me .” ( Psalm 27:10)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Welcome to my new blog! I want to take a moment to introduce myself and the purpose for this blog.
My name is Marina,I am twenty years old and I am an adopted child. I was born in a little village down in the southwestern part of Russia. My story is very similar to many kids who have been adopted out of Russia. Alcohol,abuse,hunger and neglect was very common in my early life. I was placed in an orphanage at age five with my older sister and by age seven I was adopted. Like every adopted child,I had to lose something in order to be given a new family. I lost my siblings,my birth mother, my language and heritage.
With that being said,this blog isn't about feeling sorry for ourselves,or complaining that we had it tougher then other kids. I want to encourage and lift up my fellow adoptees. I want us to be honest about our joys and sorrows. I want to create a place where you can voice your thoughts and struggles, where you can say..wait you too,I never knew others felt like this!
Throughout every blog you will notice that I talk about God's presence in my story and my life. I could not have come this far in my journey to healing and wholeness if God had not carried me almost every step of the way.
As an adopted child, I know that we come with many wounds,questions and a level of pain that sometimes we cant even express. I want to tell you that honestly I believe that if you want to truly begin the journey to wholeness,that God will have to be part of the process. We carry wounds that only the hands of a loving God can heal and restore. It will take time,because God doesn't push us further then we are willing to go with Him. He loves us as we are right now,but loves us too much to leave us that way.
That is what encourages me every day,because I know whatever issues I am struggling with still today, it is because God is in the process of restoring,redeeming and refining. Is it painful...yes..Do I want to quit..yes...Do I have pity parties still..yes...Do I still ask God why me...yes...Do I still fall apart and cry...yes.
But at the end of the day I have to remind myself that God loves me as I am in that moment,He will love me tomorrow and the next day. He will still listen when I am complaining about how hard it is,He will understand better then any counselor or friend.
So I invite you on this journey with me,I think of it as a journey to the heart of God.
I want us to have fun together,to be honest and real with one another,so that at the end of the day we are one step closer.
My name is Marina,I am twenty years old and I am an adopted child. I was born in a little village down in the southwestern part of Russia. My story is very similar to many kids who have been adopted out of Russia. Alcohol,abuse,hunger and neglect was very common in my early life. I was placed in an orphanage at age five with my older sister and by age seven I was adopted. Like every adopted child,I had to lose something in order to be given a new family. I lost my siblings,my birth mother, my language and heritage.
With that being said,this blog isn't about feeling sorry for ourselves,or complaining that we had it tougher then other kids. I want to encourage and lift up my fellow adoptees. I want us to be honest about our joys and sorrows. I want to create a place where you can voice your thoughts and struggles, where you can say..wait you too,I never knew others felt like this!
Throughout every blog you will notice that I talk about God's presence in my story and my life. I could not have come this far in my journey to healing and wholeness if God had not carried me almost every step of the way.
As an adopted child, I know that we come with many wounds,questions and a level of pain that sometimes we cant even express. I want to tell you that honestly I believe that if you want to truly begin the journey to wholeness,that God will have to be part of the process. We carry wounds that only the hands of a loving God can heal and restore. It will take time,because God doesn't push us further then we are willing to go with Him. He loves us as we are right now,but loves us too much to leave us that way.
That is what encourages me every day,because I know whatever issues I am struggling with still today, it is because God is in the process of restoring,redeeming and refining. Is it painful...yes..Do I want to quit..yes...Do I have pity parties still..yes...Do I still ask God why me...yes...Do I still fall apart and cry...yes.
But at the end of the day I have to remind myself that God loves me as I am in that moment,He will love me tomorrow and the next day. He will still listen when I am complaining about how hard it is,He will understand better then any counselor or friend.
So I invite you on this journey with me,I think of it as a journey to the heart of God.
I want us to have fun together,to be honest and real with one another,so that at the end of the day we are one step closer.
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